Baby steps of change.

I'm unsure if this was the wisest decision yet, trusting someone who just had shoulder surgery with a bike, but hell, I'm an adult and I get to make decisions (for the better or worse). Apparently I've been left with too much time on my hands, and it means that I want a new hobby that will help me get back in shape, as I'm not a fan of the particular shape my body is currently.

As per usual, I've managed to cram way more research into finding a bike than would have been necessary, but I've always enjoyed learning new things and how they work. The pitfall is that I never truly become an expert in any of these fields, but I have a pretty good understanding of them. What have I learned this time around? I need to pick up a book on how to fully break a bike down, as the one I've picked up needs a bit of work and it's a far cry from the old BMX bikes I used to own.

Quite a few people have recommended Recycled Cycles as a great place to start my journey into riding again. I'm sure that I'll be writing more about my experiences with them in the future.

My new baby, a '99 Trek Multitrack 720

In other news, Junkies Nation, a group that hosts game sites such as Rift Junkies, GW2 Junkies and Rerolled are starting a new tech and gaming blog/news site and I've been asked to do some writing for the Tech section. Most of what I'll be writing will be related to mobile devices like tablets, cell phones and accessories. I'm going to have to learn to write without rambling now, so we'll see how this treats me. My first review is looking to be for dbrand Inc. and their new Nexus 7 tablet skins. I'm hoping to get some other skins for random devices that we can give away, but it's up to the fine robots up North.

Life is definitely changing. I don't think that I would have been jumping on an opportunity like this a year ago. It's not a paying gig, but could turn into one if the site picks up. Maybe I can eventually write off some of the device purchases and reviews as business expenses in the future!

I don't want your damn lemons. What am I supposed to do with these?

We know that Cave Johnson would get his engineers to build a combustible lemon after confronting life's managers. Sadly this isn't something that possible, so we're stuck taking action in other ways.

In case of life, pull pin and throw.

I've recently found out what it's like to be on the other side of seeing a person struggle through invasive surgeries. I'm quite honestly not sure how to approach this subject while on the other side of treatment, but I'm hoping that I can unpack some of those feelings.

A few days ago I found out that a friend had a brain tumor after taking a wicked spill and suffering a grand mall seizure while out with his fiancée. These are people who are important in my life. They gave me so much strength while going through cancer treatment, and I now sit on the other side, wondering what will happen to someone that I care for. He successfully made it through the first surgery, but there was news that they didn't get all of the masses and will have to operate again.

The emotions that I've felt since then have been all over the map. Anger that someone who I respect and admire in a lot of ways is lying helpless in a hospital bed. Fear that I will never see him again, or how to approach his fiancée, another great friend and someone who was there for me through even the hardest times in my cancer treatment. The helplessness of being unable to help in any way. This one is the toughest to cope with right now, as I've only been able to understand this from the opposite side. The observer is hard, and I want nothing more than to be able to help in some way.

It really is a reminder to me of how little time that we have on this planet, and how I haven't been taking advantage of that recently.

I fear losing someone who I care deeply for, but ultimately I have zero control over the situation. I now realize why some people just couldn't cope with what I was going through last year, and why so many people disappeared from my life when things got VERY real and VERY hard. Upon really understanding that behavior, it doesn't make it hurt any less.

My wishes go out to Jason and Carrie. I love the two of you so much.

Early morning sandwiches, board games, and a brain that just won't stop.

I woke up at 2:15 this morning. Not because my alarm clock started blaring music, that would have been too easy. I was famished. After a bit of tossing and turning, I decided to get up and make a sandwich to see if a little food would put my body at ease. What I didn't realize straight away was that my brain wasn't playing Operation with my body. I made my sandwich, sat down, then turned on my computer to see if I could find anything to put my mind at ease and help me get a few more hours of sleep.

I ate, tinkered, then put something on, tossed and turned, then decided to take a shower. Within 15 minutes I'd run out of things to keep myself busy. Balls. I realized that my internal pendulum had swung from being exhausted 22 hours a day to full blown mania. This infusion of energy and desire to be productive was mixed with epic levels of ADD. The energy was welcome, even if ill timed, but picking up my phone, only to wonder why my phone was in my hand causes me a fair bit of frustration. This was 12 hours ago, and I still haven't finished writing anything worthwhile. One or two sentences in, then switch tabs on my browser just to see if someone updated their status on facebook at 4:00. Nothing new. Once again lost in a sea of confusion and inability to focus. This has been my day. Even work is a struggle. Something that I generally glide through without much work became a chore. Not even imgur could keep my attention today.

Fuck. What was I writing about again? Something something something, dark side, something something... good. Nope. That's not it. What was I here for? Why did I start writing this post? I'm not sure, but I remember driving to work today and seeing mountains in every direction. Sure it was a solitary guard in the North and South, but damnit, they were beautiful. They made me smile. I'm not sure why, but I started to cry a bit. Thankfully the leaking stopped quickly, the 405 isn't the greatest place in the world to lose focus of what's happening around me.

That's it. What did I get to enjoy today? The mountains.

Unfortunately, around 8, the zaps were back, annoying as ever, but for a few hours, no matter how cluttered, I didn't feel like my body was trying to play Operation with itself.

Let's see what happens when we pick the brain!

This will pass. It always does. I just don't know when, and that sucks. I want my body to email me and tell me when I can schedule it to function properly so I can start looking for a new job, or at least try to figure out what the hell I'm going to do at the end of the month. What will I do? I'm not sure, but I do know that I don't have the mental capacity to deal with that right now.

Mmm. Mountains. Baker in the North. Rainier in the South. Solitary guardians, or so they feel today. I love their beauty. I love my little home here in the Seattle area, but I wonder how much longer it will really feel like home. It seems like such a good time to just pack everything up and go somewhere. I don't have the means to accomplish something like that, but damn it sounds like such a good idea. Ten minutes from now it might not. It's probably best not to make any long term decisions in this state of mind, no matter what adventure they might take me on.

Withdrawal filled Monday.

Today I admitted that I need help, and understand that no matter how badly I want to get through the pains of these withdrawal symptoms, I can't do it on my own.

While posting a lot of personal info to facebook is a common thing for most people, it usually involves their cat, or possibly a night of drinking a little too much. Today my post went deeper, reflecting on the pains of the withdrawals I'm currently going through. It's admittedly hard, but opening myself to responses of any kind was hopefully a step in the right direction.

I also took another large step today. I stood up for myself. When there was a comment that made me feel pretty shitty, I deleted it and let the person know that what I posted was incredibly hard to write, let alone press the button to release it to the 140ish people that I "know" on facebook. Then I cried, knowing what I posted could have an impact on friendships.

I'm afraid, but I'm trying to be strong. I'm trying to face my demons before they kill me. I want to believe, so badly, that today was a step in the right direction.

It begins somewhere. Why not here?

I called the crisis clinic on my own today.